The Bailout Failure (A Former Illinois Resident's Fantasy)

After much debate last Friday, Congress failed to pass a proposed bailout for the Chicago Cubs major league baseball team and analysts were concerned on Saturday about possible repercussions. The Chicago Cubs have not been to the World Series since 1908. This year seemed to be destined to mark their return – an even 100 years had passed and the Cubs had the best regular season record in the National League. After dropping the first two games (at home!) to the Los Angeles Dodgers, however, it was clear that they were on the brink of disaster.

Congressmen from Illinois, fearing the consequences of the heart-break this was sure to inspire, crafted a quickly drawn legislative solution. West coast legislatures convinced the Midwesterners that Congress lacks authority to simply award the series to the Chicago franchise, but two alternative proposals made their way to the floor for debate. In one Congress would declare that the series was even at 2-2 and a sudden death playoff game would be held in Chicago on Tuesday. This “leveling the playing ground” proposal was deemed unfair by several Congressmen from Chicago who knew the Cubs best and counter-proposed with an “equal chance” bill in which the series would be decided with a coin-toss. Said one staffer, who preferred to remain anonymous, “then at least the Cubs would have a fighting chance. The leveling bill is just a temporary band-aid. It wouldn’t change fundamental problem, namely the fact that it’s the Cubs who are playing.”

But talks broke down when it became clear that the Presidential candidates had no interest in bailing out the team. Barack Obama told supporters in his home state of Illinois that he couldn’t support an aid package for the Cubs that didn’t also help out the White Sox. “It’s all about fundamental fairness,” said the Senator. John McCain said to CNN “Oh come on my friends, it’s not like I have a shot at winning California or Illinois, so what do I care? Are there any teams from Pennsylvania playing this year?”

When local reporter Troy Steel asked Sarah Palin on the campaign trail today about the Cubs bailout she said “John McCain and I are Mavericks and we will lower your taxes! With Obama, you Joe six-packs are going to be Joe five-packs before you know it!” When asked what that has to do with the Chicago Cubs Governor Palin said “You betcha we are going to win this little Iraqi war thingy and we won’t wave no white flag, I can tell you that!” Mr. Steel looked confused but when the Governor flashed a charming smile and a folksy wink at the camera before walking off Mr. Steel sighed dreamily and reported “Ms. Palin’s answers may not be what elite Cubs fans from big city Chicago wanted to hear, but she sure exceeded expectations here tonight and the GOP and the American public are big winners! Feel that breeze? It may be the right wing of the Republican party breathing a deep sigh of relief.”

Actually the breeze turned out to be the whiffing of several Chicago Cub bats as they dropped their final game to Los Angeles allowing the Californians to sweep the series. Congress had failed to pass the bail-out and the game went on as scheduled. Several prominent television pundits predicted severe emotional distress for disappointed Cubs fans, chaos in the streets of Chicago, and the end of civilization as we know it in the nation’s third largest city. Strangely enough, no violence was reported.

When asked why the pundits were wrong, one Cubs fan at a Chicago sports bar responded “Sure it breaks your heart. But hey, we are Cubs fans, man. We’re used to it.”